For the last couple of nights I have had such trouble staying asleep. I wake up and then start thinking. My mind keeps digging up old horrible things I did, said and saw from my past. I don't want to think about any of it but yet I keep re-enacting scenes from awful times. I understand the concept of morbid reflection but I'm remembering it in my gut more than my head. How could I have done some of that stuff? What was I thinking? Who the hell was I? I don't ever get an answer. I am just so very sorry.
When you are in what seems like a life or death situation (as I have felt in my past), you see some things that don't ever leave your head. You see some things that are simply unspeakable. I want to put that to rest somewhere but some nights it just swims to the top of my consciousness and causes me such grief.
How do some people seem to "get over" the gratitude of no longer living that way? I know Gods' grace. I hope I never wake up one morning and think that I did some great thing that turned my life from despair to joy. I am full of gratitude after the "remembering" of the past.
God saw me. God heard me. God changed me.
Kindness seems to be a word I keep gravitating back to lately. Kindness and gratitude. Here is a little blurb about those two words.
- To never really be alone and always have someone who loves me nearby.
- To know that they know me better than anyone else in the world and love me anyway.
In my way of thinking:
- Anyone can act nice. A serial killer can put on a smile and good manners.
- Kindness though, is an action. Kindness is freely letting God use you so you can be your "better" self.
- Your "better" self does not always feel comfy. In fact it can feel pretty ill-fitting.
- Sometimes being kind feels like you are allowing others to walk all over you. But they are only stepping on your ego.
- Being kind is always always worth it. It takes practice but the results are huge.
What are you grateful for today? Let me know in the comments below:)
Over the course of my adult life, I have found that I am a sort of sweeper. Frequently, I find that I am left to sweep up pieces of many situations of my life. Many of these pieces that I sweep up are either broken due to myself or the relationships I have with others. And for many, many, many years, I've hoped that someone else would come in and sweep up what's been broken.
Today, I know that no one carries the broom but me. It hit me the other day as I have finally started a daily routine to improve my health and mental well-being. I've been waiting for others to take responsibility for my feelings. In reality, the only person who can gain closure to any situation that has had an emotional impact on us is ourselves. We have to own it in order to let it go. Can I go back in time to change events? No. Can I keep wondering why certain things turned out so damn bad? Not worth it.
All of the emotional pieces; anger, frustration, hurt, abandonment, joy, love. Those are mine to pick up and put back together the way that is the most healthy and constructive to my life.
And, I am ready to do this. I am absolutely resolved to not sweep my past under the rug. I am choosing those emotions that I want to put into the larger puzzle of my life and tossing away the ones that cause me the most grief.
So I will sweep up my own messes because my broom knows my corners the best. And even though it may not be fun when I am standing in the middle of the mess, when the mess is swept I can say "I was the one who made that floor shine."
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I read this poem for the first time yesterday. A dear friend shared it with me because she knows I have finally realized that I can take a different path in life.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN 5 SHORT CHAPTERS
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
I love this little poem. I fell into that hole many,
many times before I realized that I could just walk
down a different street. Instead, I was constantly
searching for a way to not fall in the hole. That was
my cycle; I desperately wanted change, but
without actually changing anything. I also did not see
that I was the problem; I blamed the world for my
chaos! - Notice the changed from It isn't my fault.
to It is my fault. in the poem. - The realization that it
actually was my fault, and that I was the cause, and
that I needed to be the one making changes, was a
definite the turning point for me. Sure, that was
tough and really hard to take on, but by placing it on
me I was also able to recognize that I
could also change I finally understood that I didn't
have to always figure things out or contemplate all
the reasons why and how. I didn't have to battle
everything and everyone and I didn't have to find
the solutions to all the problems. All I had to do is
stay open-minded enough to see when I just need
walk down a different street.
Can you relate to this poem? Leave me some
Sometimes I feel fragile.
t amazes me that we can all live with ourselves 24 hours a day and still feel perplexed at our own decision making skills. I live in the Land of Self Amazement. It is a territory riddled with the mentally ill, self obsessed, and no-to-low self esteemed humans. I am the Queen of this land and rule from a prone position while napping as an escape. OK...enough play-like. Now days they say "let's pretend" but we always said "let's play like."
2017 was the year of specialists appointments, antibiotics, dental appointments, some arguments, and a little weight gain. Ahhh good times.
I'm not good at New Year's resolutions, but I do love a clean calendar and notebook. I like running my hands over a fresh clean page, smelling the paper, notebooks in all shades of yellow and purple. I have never once bought an orange notebook......
My heart is mushy these days. Too many worries and fears, surrendered and then grabbed back and clutched with iron fingers. It seems my adult children cannot even get a paper cut without me falling to the floor with chest pains and rocketing blood pressure. Two days in urgent care this week and I somehow survived it. I think God is going to do a lot of work on me in 2018. I hope he gives me anesthesia or at least some pain killers along the way. I just feel fragile.
Thanks for reading!
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Have you ever noticed some really major flaws in someone and discovered that it made you love them more? Sometimes seeing the human-ness in a person just touches my heart like nothing they can say or do.
It makes me wonder why we pick the particular mask we do. I want to tell some people that their public mask isn't nearly as awesome as the person they are trying to mask in the first place. I think that something as simple as wearing stylish clothes against your instinct of what style they would like to portray is a mask also.
I wish we could all wear our hair exactly as it grows out of our head. That is a scary thought to a lot of us, but after a while it would be a great conversation starter, just seeing all the different hair types. It seems uncivilized to walk around with our hair all crazy, but it seems uncivilized to care about such things also. I think it would help us all see the human-ness in each other if we just wore what was comfy and let our hair just "be". We would all be happier of course!
Just my thoughts over coffee today. Drop some comments below and let me know your thoughts on embracing flaws.
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Gratitude keeps me grounded. It is like my anchor to humility and helps me stay focused. Getting caught up in the winter blahs can easily happen this time of year. My solution? Hammer out a gratitude list.
So without further ado, here are the 30 things I am grateful for (and these are in no particular order:
- Family - nuclear, extended, thrust upon me or chosen. I love you all heart and soul.
- Friends - I don't throw that word around easily. If I call you friend, it means that I trust you. It also means that I am fiercely loyal and would likely do just about anything for you. I also love you all.
- An abundance of...well...everything - Not only did we donate a huge bag of clothes to a local church a few days ago, I just bagged up a bunch of food for a close friend in need.
- My pets - they love unconditionally and want only to please. Even though they drive me up the wall first thing in the morning:)
- A beautiful home - it's big enough and warm and lovely and even though it isn't the fanciest, It's more than a house...it's our home.
- Peppermint Mochas from McDonalds.
- Photo albums, my new obsession.
- Being able to make a full-time income from home.
- Good, reliable transportation. I guess I should use "reliable" loosely since the car is in the shop but the loaner car isn't too bad either.
- The fact that I live in a country with an abundance of everything and the freedom of everything that I sometimes take for granted.
- Burt's Bees Hand Creme.
- Long walks on chilly days.
- Five amazing kids and their respective significant others.
- One amazing grandkid (so far).
- One incredible husband.
- Fuzzy socks.
- The blogging world and all of the incredible people in it.
- Days Of Our Lives is still going strong.
- Good health.
- Good teeth - well...good enough anyway. Maybe this one should say good dental insurance.
- Plenty of food. I have never gone to bed hungry nor wondered where my next meal would be. I am blessed.
- Fountain Soda
- Being smoke-free since 2000.
- My planners.
- My faith.
- My relationship with God.
- My life...it's the only one I have and I want to make the most of it.
"Be thankful for what you have. Your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is someone else's fairy tale." ~ Wale Ayeni
I would love to hear what you are grateful for so drop those comments below:)
Yep...it's THAT time of year folks. Time to make grandiose promises that we won't keep that will only serve to make us feel like failures on 12/31/18. Why do we do that to ourselves? Because it's TRADITION.
Well...that's a tradition I can do without thank you very much. As you can see, no where in the above definition does it say...
3. a promise made in the emotion of the moment (i.e. the turning from one year to another) that is so big and so impossible you toss it aside by the 6th day of the New Year.
Doesn't say that at all now does it?
Every New Year's Day I'm filled with the promise of new resolutions made only to be thwarted by leftover cake, well meaning relatives or just plain stress of life. I've had some success in my lifetime. One year I promised to wear my seat belt while driving and I followed through. The next year I promised to wear it whether I was driving or a passenger and I followed through yet again. Yay me!
I quit smoking as the result of a New Year's resolution.
Other than that, my track record sucks. I have vowed to lose weight every New Year's since I hit puberty. Let's be clear, it's only been in the last 10 years that I actually needed to lose weight, but I vowed every year regardless, only to think myself a failure when it didn't happen.
What a waste of precious time and energy. Ugh!
So this year I'm going about this a little bit differently. We'll call it Sherry Resolutions 2.0.
- I resolve to practice eating cleaner and staying away from sugar as much as possible.
- I resolve to practice meditation and prayer every day in order to get more in touch with my spirituality.
- I resolve to practice kindness at all times...even when angry, or frustrated or depressed...there is never an excuse to be unkind.
- I resolve to practice approaching life from a place of love. Love for every one and every thing in the universe. That includes me.
- On a more practical note, I resolve to put my laundry away each day instead of letting it heap up in the basket.
And that's it. Note the use of the word practice (except for the laundry thing...I really need to do this). Practice not perfection. I can practice these things every day or as much as I'm able and it will all be okay. I will be a better person this year because at least I TRIED.
Happy New Year everyone! (Sorry I am Late)
Sometimes people look at me and think my life is all sunshine and rainbows. The illusion of a picturesque life is something I have perfected over the years. It's quite a cunning talent actually. But, let me admit it now however, my life is far from a fairy tale.
Not one to complain, I spend time each day counting my blessings. Yes, I am very blessed. Healthy family. Warm home. Financial stability. A few true friends. This morning I am also counting my hurts.
I know, I know. Focusing on hurts isn't going to accomplish much but today I need a few moments to wallow. I need to embrace these hurts for a moment so I can figure out how I am going to get past them. Gotta come up with a survival plan.
My heart is aching. My world was rocked yesterday. The foundation I thought I was standing on began to crumble at the edges. I could feel my stability slipping away. This must be what despair really feels like.
A good friend once said "In your lowest times, give yourself 10 solid minutes to have your meltdown. Cry, scream, break things if you must. But then get your shit together because you still have a life to live."
Clinging hard to that statement and a whole lot of prayer, I am hopeful there will be a light visible to me soon. Some sort of beacon at the end of this sad, sad tunnel of crap.
Do me a favor if you have a moment today? Say a prayer for me too.
I am tired. I need rest. I won't quit though.
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Sitting here sipping some coffee and thinking about how awesome it is to realize that you can completely control YOU!. It never dawned on me until I recently cleared my mind of yesterday's junk and started focusing on getting to know me again.
Always living to please and impress everyone around me, I somehow lost touch with who I really was. Saddest part of that? I still felt rejected most times.
When you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection. When you come to believe those perceptions you can start to feel worthless, unlovable and unworthy. When people criticize you, accuse you, reject you, leave you, abandon you...we tend to think, "That proves once again that I am nobody, I deserve to be rejected, forgotten and abandoned". But self-rejection is a trap. It contradicts the little voice inside you. To me, that voice is the voice of God that calling me and reminding me that I am loved. Knowing that is bigger than any rejection, deeper than any dejection and wider than my own perception.
Rise up and Believe. Because the real truth is you are not defined by rejections or other's perceptions. You are defined entirely by YOU!
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Countless hours of my life have been spent beating myself up over mistakes. I would like to say that isn't true anymore, but I am human.
I make mistakes a lot. To be completely honest, I have made may mistakes in this lifetime and probably will continue to do so. Fact is, everyone makes them. Everyone makes them. It does not make me, or any other person, bad. We all succumb to mistakes.
Sometimes mistakes we make are part of some larger agenda. Sometimes it is because we didn't listen or didn't process fully what we heard. Other times, there is a lapse of judgment. I have even made mistakes that seemed to just happen with no rhyme or reason at all. This is all a part of being human. What really matters is admitting, learning from and moving on after a mistake. Some of the best learning experiences I have carried through my life occurred after a mistake I made.
Own your mistakes but don't let them own you!!
I am human. I am going to make mistakes. What I realized yesterday though, is making a mistake isn't a reason to ignore a problem, give up, or belittle myself. Reactions to mistakes determine willingness to learn in the future.
I am moving on from my mistakes and trying to do it with humility and gratitude. How?
Each morning I start the day by writing down what I am grateful for. This could include moments fro the previous day, a place, a smell, a sight, doesn't matter. Just a few minutes each morning of gratitude leads to a day filled with hope. This is a small step on a long path I have embarked on of self-discovery. It is a ray of light that is reminding me of what has been truly missing from my life.
Today I am grateful for a chance to learn from and move on from yesterday's mistakes and I am grateful I can do that with a humble heart.