Suppressing anger can be toxic. Just like resentments. It is like taking poison intending the other person to die. It churns. It infects you.
Someone had said something mean and unkind to me. The top of my head blew off ( at least it felt like it did) . Anger started to swell up in my body and my heart rate went sky high. My breath became shallow and my blood pressure spiked. I always prided myself on being a compassionate and loving person. Well, where was that kinder person now?
I first tried to talk it through with this person, knowing deep inside that anger isn't the solution. My ability to communicate; however, was impaired. Our discussion went from misunderstanding to rude to plain mean. That is when I just ended it.
I started to think "What made them be unkind to me to begin with? What did I do? What is wrong with me?"
This pattern kept repeating itself each time any interaction with anyone left me feeling hurt. I decided, recently, that this had to stop.
I prayed and mediated and reached out to some very great people for advice, And then I realized how toxic my thinking had been. Not only is anger normal, it was appropriate at the time. Pushing down anger and resentment was only causing me to feel like a failure and blame myself. Denying my own anger was leading to my own self-doubt and feelings of negative self worth. This is the part of me that I need to heal. Healing starts with admitting my emotions, feeling them and letting them pass. Don't react. Realize.
So now I am focusing on feeling my feelings. Not reacting to them but embracing them because I am human. I am going to make amends, transform my thinking, begin to love myself, and move on to my next challenge.